جوکهای انگلیسی با موضوعات پزشکی English jokes with medical issues

جوک در تمام فرهنگها حکايتي مختصر و خنده برانگيز میباشد که در يک نکته پرمعني لبخند بر لبان مینشاند .  موضوعات جوک از هر دری یک سخنی دارد . فرهنگ جوک سازی مرزی ندارد ، هيچگونه اسرار و  امور مقدسي که نتوان به آنها خنديد ، در این فرهنگ وجود ندارد .  گرچه سرشت لطيفه برانگيختن خنده است، اما گاهی موضوعات آن جدي بوده و  ريشه در واقعيت هاي زندگي سياسي ، ­اجتماعي و فرهنگي انسانها دارند . هر فرهنگی جوکهای ویژه خود را دارد شاید برای یک ایرانی خواندن و یا شنیدن بعضی از جوکهای خارجی خیلی بیمزه باشد و برعکس . میگید نه ! اگه انگلیسیتان کمی خوب باشد ، چند تای آنرا یکی از دوستان ایمیل کرده است . اکثر این جوکها در ارتباط با جامعه بهداشت و درمان است . اگه خندیدید من را هم خبر کنید . ( اگر انگلیسیتان ضعیف باشد ، مترجم گوگل این پست را دست و پا شکسته ترجمه کرده است به اینجا کلیک کنید شاید کمکتان کند) .

 

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news? Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well… The bad news first… Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news? Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

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Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please. Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS. Patient: Good grief! What’s the good news? Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.

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Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess. Doctor: You only have one week left to live. Patient: Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now? Doctor: Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I’m taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!

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This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, “I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?” Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That’s awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

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What’s the best thing about having Alzheimer’s Disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs. You are always meeting new people. You never have to watch reruns on television.

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Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now!

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Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?

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Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, don’t do that.

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Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet.

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Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.

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Patient: Doctor, what fish did you say I have? Doctor: Not a fish, stupid, cancer!

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Patient: Doctor, I’ve got five penises. Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit? Patient: Like a glove.

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Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you’ve got it again.

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Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox.

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Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid bastard!!!!!

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Patient to optometrist: I’m very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.

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Patient walks into a doctor’s office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next!

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Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can’t remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem? Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?

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Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and smoking, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

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Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now. Next.

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Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

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Patient: Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show? Doctor: Nothing.

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Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

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Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent? Doctor: Yes there is…being young and broke.

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Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what’s wrong with me? Doctor: You have far too much free time.

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Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it? Patient (with a grin): Black pepper!

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Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor. Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you’re ugly, too.

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Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don’t touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don’t smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don’t do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven’t touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.

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Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious? Doctor: Well, I wouldn’t advise you to start watching any serials on TV.

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Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.

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Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

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Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

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Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

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Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 200 bones in the human body? Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog’s outside in the waiting room!

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Congratulations, Mr Brown, you’re in great shape for a man of sixty. Pity you’re only forty.

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Patient: Doctor, you’ve gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.” Doctor: That’s easy. Eat shit.

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Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!! Okay, sir, you’re an ambulance!

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Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

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John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off.

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Prisoner: Look here, doc! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

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Tom: What’s good for excessive wind, doctor? Doctor: A kite!

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Bill: My wife beats me, doctor’ Doctor: Oh dear. How often? Bill: Every time we play Scrabble!

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Sam: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you’ll pass eventually. Sam: But I’m the examiner!

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Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

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Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better? Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet…

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A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. “Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?” “I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor. “That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”

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Death: What some patients do, in the end, to humiliate the doctor.

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Worst thing a doctor could say to his patient: “Your condition is so rare, we’re not sure we’re pronouncing it right.”

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Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

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A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, “Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.” “Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”

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The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.” “That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”

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A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor. Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can’t (FFFART!!) stop farting. Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach down, on the couch. The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute – the man farting all the time this is going on. Doctor: Aha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment. The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike at one end. Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!) that?! Doctor: I need to open a window.

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Chico once went to the doctor due to stomach trouble. The doctor prescribed plenty of milk and gave Chico a bottle of pills. “I’ll stop by this evening and see how you’re doing,” the doctor said. “In the meantime, drink at least four glasses of milk. Milk is the ticket for curing your trouble. So drink plenty of it.” That evening, the doctor returned, examined Chico and told him, “You’re much better this evening. Just be sure you don’t drink any milk. Not one glass. It’s not for you.” “But, doctor,” Chico exclaimed, “only this morning you told me that milk was what I needed and that I should drink four glasses of it.” “Well, what do you know?” the doctor replied. “It certainly goes to show that we’ve made tremendous progress in medicine since the last time I saw you.”

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“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg. “Well, doc, 25 years ago…” “Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.” “Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. ‘Are you sure?’ she asked. ‘I’m sure,’ I said. ‘Isn’t there anything I can do for you?’ she wanted to know. ‘I reckon not’ I replied. “Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?” “Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

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A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, “Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he’s gagging and thrashing about.” “I’ll be right over,” the doctor said. “In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.” When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of fish over her husband’s mouth. “Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not fish, to lure the mouse.” “I know, doc,” she replied, “but first I’ve got to get the darn cat out of him.”

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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?” “I think that is a wise decision,” the doctor replies. “Let’s see, do you smoke?” “Oh.. Half a pack a day.” “Starting NOW, no more smoking.” The man agrees. The doctor then asks, “Do you drink?” “Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.” “Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.” The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, “How do you eat?” “Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.” “Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.” The man is now really worried. “Doc, is all this really necessary?” “Do you want to live long?” “Yes.” “Well then, it’s absolutely necessary. And don’t even think of breaking the diet.” The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, “Do you have sex?” “Yeah, once a week or so…, only with my wife!” he adds hurriedly. “As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.” The man is appalled. “Doc… Are you sure I’m going to live longer this way?” “I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!”

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A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. “Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. “I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband.”

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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: “What are you doing here today?” Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.” Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.” The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?” Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”

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While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” the doctor asked. “Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief. But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects.” “What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously. “Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on.”

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“Doctor, don’t cut so deep. That’s the third operating table you’ve ruined this month!”

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An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.

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Heard on Jay Leno’s monologue: The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

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One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. “So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said. “The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. “No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit. Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, “I’ve got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife’s got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!”

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An elderly couple decide to have a baby, so they go to the doctor to get a physical examination of the wife. The wife is delared in perfect health, but the doctor says that he also would need to check the husband’s semen in order to accurately advise the couple. The husband is a bit taken aback, and says, “Listen, I’m getting old. I can only “do that” about once a week.” The doctor answers that he understands perfectly and gives the couple a vial, telling the husband to come back next week with a semen sample. The next week, the husband comes in with an empty vial. The perplexed doctor asks the husband what went wrong. The husband answers, “Well…I tried it with my right hand and I tried it with my left hand, I tried hot water, I tried cold water, I tried soap, my wife tried it with her hand, my wife even tried it with her mouth, I even tried banging it against the sink…but we still couldn’t get the top off the damn bottle!”

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The resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, “An ambulance.”

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It is said that the limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction(****ing)

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In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

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There was a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. “Doc,” he said, “I can’t taste nothin’, I can’t tell the truth, and I can’t remember nothin’ besides.” Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back, and made of two capsules full with cowdung, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chewing, then yelled out, “Yeachhhh… This stuff tastes like shit.” “Uh huh,” the doctor said, “Well I see that you can taste, and you’re certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you’re memory is acting up, just take the other pill.” And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.

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There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it’s usually too late.

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After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! “Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?” yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position. “Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor. “Well, yes, I do,” answered the woman. “Then lie back and spread ‘em,” replied the doctor. “We’re all out of the bottled stuff. You’ll just have to settle for what’s on tap.”

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This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he’d have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, “I’ve just got to marry this woman, I love her so much…” So the doctor says, “Well, it’s risky, but okay.” So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure. Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, “We are very sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%.” The guy looks up and says, “Mama Mia!”

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A man goes to see his doctor. He pokes himself in the arm, leg, and torso, complaining that it hurts when he does this. The doctor asked him if he was Polish. The man replied that he was. To which the doctor replied that the finger was broken.

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A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” “I haven’t got the fingers.” The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We’ve go microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn’t you bring me the fingers?” “Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn’t pick ‘em up.”

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This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. “Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.” “Not really, I hardly felt it.” “Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!” “Nope, I didn’t really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain.”

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There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news. “Ohhhh no!!!” the patient wailed, “I’ll never be able to experience an erection again!” “Of course you’ll still be able to experience erections,” replied one surgeon, “only it will have to be someone else’s.”

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This guy goes into a doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having sex!” “Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks. “Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day,” he answers back. “That’s not so much,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man. “Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,” says the man. “Well, that’s definitely too much,” says the doctor. “You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.” “I do,” says the man. “Twice a day.”

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What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit? A Hare Cut.

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There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, “Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?” The man replies, “Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods.” The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, “Well man, that’s your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you’ll have to give them up!!” The guy says, “But how long for, I mean I really like peas!” The doctor replies, “Forever, I’m afraid.” The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he’s at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, “Well, ashully, I’d love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up.” Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, “Really, I haven’t had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!” The businessman says, “Thas nuvving, I haven’t ad a pea in 6 years” and the barman jumps up screaming, “Okay, everyone who can’t swim, grab a table…”

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Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites Jim’s prick! “AAIIIIIII!!” He panics, and John panics. “What can we do?” “We should call for a doctor.” WHAMMM! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there’s a telephone box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor. RING, RING. RING, RING. J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do? D: What kind of snake? J: A one meter, green-yellow one.D: Those are very dangerous. J: What can we do? D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise, your friend will be dead within half an hour. Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking already, asks what the doctor said. Johnny: You’ll be dead within half an hour.

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A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball. “Here’s your baby, maam” says the doctor. The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window. Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers, “My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!” The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says, “April Fools!!! He was already dead!”

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A blond guy visits the hospital. “I want to be castrated!” he demands cheerfully. “Are you sure about this?” the doctor asks. “Have you discussed it with your wife?” “Yes, yes! I’ve thought about this for a long time. Let’s get it over with!” So, the operation is performed. Since it’s relatively simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way home, he meets a friend. “Well, hello! I haven’t seen you for a couple of days,” his friend says. “No, I’ve been to the hospital,” replies the blond. “Well, that’s funny. I’m on my way there right now!” “Really? So, what’s up?” “I’m going to be vaccinated.” “Oh, shit!! That’s what it’s called!”

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How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That depends on whether it has health insurance.

Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.

None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.

None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.

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How is an undertaker like a bottle of cough syrup? They both take away the coffin.

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A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess, you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Washington State. Why do you ask?”

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This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we’ve found a cure for them: you’ll have to be castrated.” The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. “All right, I guess I’ll have the operation,” he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, “I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.” So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men’s shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, “Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.” “That’s right,” exclaimed the man, “How’d you know?” “Well, when you’ve been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up,” replied the salesman. “Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.” “Right again,” the man said. The proprietor suggested, “And for undershorts, I’d say a size 36.” “There’s your first mistake,” the man said, “I’ve worn 34′s for years.” “No, you’re a size 36 if I’ve ever seen one,” said the owner. The man replied, “I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I’ll take 34.” The owner replied, “Well all right, if you insist, but they’re going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!”

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A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice. The doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his extremely large penis with a smaller one. The guy is desperate and decides to go through with the operation. It’s a great success and the man has a fantastic baritone. But after some time the guy’s sex life deteriorates and he decides to see the doctor to try get his original equipment back. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has gone bad.” “Not on your life!!” the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, annoying voice.

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A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant’s trunk onto the man’s penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man’s penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hamburger and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, “What was that?” Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hamburger and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, “I don’t believe I saw what I think I just saw… Can you do that again?” With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, “Honey, I’d like to, but I don’t think my ass can take another hamburger!”

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A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The doctor examined him and asked, “What happened?” “Well, doc, I live in a trailer park,” the man explained, “And from where I am, I can see this absolutely stunning and gorgeous babe. She’s blonde and built like a Corvette, just all curves. Anyway, she’s so horny that every night I see her take a hotdog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floorboard of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hotdog. “And?” prompted the doctor. “Well,” said the man, “I felt that this was a lot of waste, so, one day, I slid myself underneath her trailer and when she put the hotdog into the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hotdog and tried to kick it under the stove.”

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A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, “Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red.” Doctor replied, “Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm…yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40.” The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn’t been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell. His friend said, “Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?” So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, “Doc, George recommended you…you’ve got to help me. My penis is blue.” Doc asks to take a look. “Ah yes… Ummm… Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400.” “FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?” Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40.” “Yes, I did. But George’s penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene.”

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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. “Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.” The doctor reassured her. “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?” “On my balls.”

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This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, “I could really go for an ice cream cone.” Hubby replies, “Well, I’ll go get you one.” Wife says, “But, you’ll forget, you better write it down.” Hubby replies, “No I won’t; what do you want?” Wife says, “Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.” Hubby replies, “Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I’ll remember. Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns. The wife asks him, “What took you so long, did you get lost.” The hubby replies, “No, and I got what you wanted.” The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?! Wife says, “I knew you you should have written the order down.” Hubby says, “What do you mean – every thing is there?” To which the wife replies, “No, it’s not…look, you forgot the pickles.”

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It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden. Neighbor asks, “Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?” Ed replies, “Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… What’s the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…? Neighbor says, “You mean a rose?” Ed replies, “Yeah, that’s it…(turning toward his wife) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor’s name?

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A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), “Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now.” Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn’t be helped as well. “Yes, yes” signed the mute. “Let’s have the first treatment right now!” “Very well,” replies the specialist. “Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I’ll be right in.” The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he “sends it home” with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming, “AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!” “VERY good,” smiles the doctor. “Next Tuesday, we start with ‘B’”

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A man went to a doctor.He wanted to become blonde. Regardless, the doctor asked him why, and he said it was something he always wanted to do, how he wanted to be able to relate to his friends, all of whom I suppose were blonds.Anyway, the doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue (a product of Scar Wars technology, I suppose), the operation was planned. The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man’s declining IQ on a nice LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off. 95, 94, 93… Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor’s wife. They gabbed for minutes on end, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down: 6, 5, 4… He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. “Jesus!” exclaimed the doctor, “What have I done? Speak to me! Say anything!!” The man looked at him and said, “Hi, you’re watching MTV, and we just heard…”

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Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Sammy is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. The man bursts into tears. “But doctor… I am Sammy”

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It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. “Dobbins,” he said, “What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice.” “Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?” “How would I know? You told the jury I wasn’t fit to be a doctor.” “I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don’t know what you’re saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?” “Your diagnosis is as good as mine.” “What are you talking about?” “When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine.” “Doc, I’m climbing the wall. Give me something.” “Let’s say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?” “I’ll sign a paper that I won’t sue.” “Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: ‘Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?’ Dr. Green: ‘I’ve treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.’ Dobbins: ‘It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?’ Green: ‘No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.’ Dobbins: ‘You and your ilk make me sick.’ ” “Why are you reading that to me?” “Because, Dobbins, since the trial I’ve lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the other day limping…” “Please, Doc, I don’t want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol.” “You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I’ve changed my ways, Dobbins. I don’t prescribe drugs anymore.” “Then get me another doctor.” “There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I’m here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice.” “If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court.” “You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone.” “You can’t tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him.” “That’s what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the ‘Butcher of Operating Room 6′? That afternoon I said to my wife, “That man is going to be in a lot of pain.’ ” “Okay, Doc, you’ve had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?” “I better check you out first.” “Don’t check me out, just give the dope.” “But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn’t do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?” “What for?” “To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were.” “I’m not going to sue you.” “You say that now. But how can I be sure you won’t file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?”

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An anxious woman goes to her doctor. “Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?” “Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from?”

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Lawyer: Did you say the victim was shot in the woods? Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

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An old man got married to an 18 years old girl. One day, he went to a doctor and told him that he wanted to have a kid. The doctor thought for a while and said to the man, “If you and your wife don’t mind, I suggest that you should find someone to help you.” The man thought for a while and left the clinic. Few months later, the old man returned to the doctor again with smiley face. To the doctor, he said, “Thank you, doc. I followed your suggestion and found someone to help me. Now my wife is pregnant. Thanks, thanks.” The doctor could not keep his wonder, so he asked, “Uh.., congratulations, but how about the one who helped you?” The old man doubled his smile and replied, “Oh! She is pregnant, also!”

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A fellow goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem that I am always farting all of the time. Although they don’t smell, they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life.” The doctor gives him some pills and asks him to return next week. He returns, and says, “Those pills did no good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible.” To which the doctor replies, “Good! Now that we have your nose working again, let’s work on your farting.”

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A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.” The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

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An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, “I need my sex drive lowered.” The doctor, incredulous, says, “What?? You want your sex drive lowered??” To which the old man replies, “It’s all in my head; I need it LOWERED!”

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Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world. One physician says, “Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin’ so bad that perty soon, they ain’t gonna be room for ever’body! There’sa gonna be standin’ room only on this here planet!” The other doctor replied, “Heck, that sure oughta slow ‘em down a bit!”

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This old man takes his wife to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor takes the man aside and says, “I’ve got some bad news for you. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s Disease, but I can’t tell which.” “That’s terrible,” says the man, “what should we do?” “Well,” replies the doctor, “I’ll give you a thirty minute head start before I send her home. And if she makes it, don’t fuck her!!!”

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A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, “And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?” Mr. Johnson replies, “I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door.” The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting insane, so he phones the man’s son, and the son’s wife answers. The doctor tells her, “Mrs. Johnson, I’m a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on…” Mrs. Johnson yells, “Steven! Daddy’s pissing in the refrigerator again!”

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What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

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Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients? Yup, it’s a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

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Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a hotdog and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the hotdog, and finally the cookie up the guy’s ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a hotdog and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a hotdog and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the hotdog up the patient’s ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, “Where’s my cookie!?” WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted on ژانویه 12, 2004, in مطالب متنوع, کل مطالب. Bookmark the permalink. 12 دیدگاه.

  1. درود دوست گرامی ام

    آغازی برای یک پایان را نفس می کشم و حضورت را مغتنم می دانم

    تو را چشم در راهم [گل]

  2. مرکز نگهداری، آموزش و توانبخشی معلولین ، سالمندان و بیماران ام اس

    بنیادی انسانی بر پایه نیات خیر مردم نیکوکار

    غیردولتی، غیرانتفاعی، مردمی

  3. سوال : با سلام خدمت شما….آقای دکتر آیا اگر کسی بیلی روبین خون بالا داشته باشه باید بیلی روبین آزمایش ادرار او مثبت شود؟ یا ربطی به هم ندارند…با تشکر

    دکتر : اگر بیلی روبین بالا باشد نوع ان خیلی مهم است ممکن است اگر ناراحتی ندارید سندروم ژیلبرت باشد که نیازی به درمان نداشته باشد و در ادرار هم افزایش بیلی روبین نداشته باشید بهتر است حتما تست HBS AG,AB را حتما انجام داده و با جواب به دکتر مراجعه کنید

  4. سوال : سلام،من حدود 4 سال است که صورتم جوش میزند اما با داروها و لایه بردار بهتر شده ام.ولی صورتم بعد از شستشو با صابون خشک و پوست پوست می شودبا اینکه مدت زیادی است که از لایه بردار و داروی ضدجوش استفاده نمیکنم..قبلانوع پوستم چرب بود.از صابون اوریاژ برای پوست خشک و حساس استفاده میکنم اما همچنان پوسته پوسته میشود.لطفا یک شستشودهنده ملایم و غیر صابونی معرفی نمایید.با تشکر

    دکتر : شوينده AVAN و كرم آپازاك اورياژ

  5. سوال : سلام من پسری با سن 29 سال از 13 سالگی دچار آکنه ندولوکتیک بودم و 5 سال پیش با مصرف راکوتان خوب شدم اما از ابتدای امسال دوباره بیماری من برگشته دکترم پیشنهاد کرد که دوباره مصرف کنم اما گفت که تا 2 سال روی باروری تاثیر میگذاره دوم اینکه در مورد از بین بردن جای جوش دکتر گفتن که لیزر فقط تا 30 درصد میتونه موثر باشه و رفع چروک با سلول های DNA از طریق موسسه رویان رو تا 70 درصد موثر دونستن ممکنه نطرتون رو بفرمایید واینکه روش DNA فراگیر شده و موفقیت داره و ممکنه جواب نده و آیا شما انجام میدین . ممنون

    دکتر : اين روش فعلا فقط بصورت تحقيقاتي انجام مي شود وهنوز فراگير نشده است .

  6. سوال : سلام من پوستی چرب همراه با جوش دارم ودر مقابل آفتاب بسیار حساس . خواهش می کنم یک ضد آفتاب خارجی عالی و یک کرم دور چشم برای رفع چروک دور چشم معرفی کنی. 2.بدن بسیار خشکی دارم به طوری که ساق پایم قرمز است و میسوزد به طوریکه مرتب فکر می کنم الآن خون می افتد مخصوصا وقتی با آب در تماس باشد چه کنم. 3. کف سرم چرب است و مرتب میخارد و جش های ریزمیزند ولی خود موهایم خشک است و نازک چه شامپویی استفاده کنم. بسیار سپاسگزارم.

    دکتر : لوسيون – كرمهاي بدن ايروكس بعد ازحمام مصرف شود وصابون بادام در حمام

  7. سوال : با عرض سلام خدمت شما.خانم دکتر من با از دست دادن داداشم نتوانستم برای ویزیت مجدد خدمتتان برسم صورتم مانند گذشته پراز جوشهای قذمز دردناک وهمراه با لکه های قرمز{جای جوشها} شده من هم داروی پانوکسیل 5 درصد که قبلا تجویز کرده بودید استفاده میکنم اینجا هم دکتر مراجعه کردم ولی ازیترومایسین تجویز کرد که تاثیری نداشت وگفت چون قبلا رواکوتان استفاده کردی نمیتوانی مجددا بخوری میشه KETREL برای جای جوشها استفاده کنم الان موقعیتی ندارم که مراجعه حضوری داشته باشم.با تشکر

    دکتر : واقعا متاسف شدم بله ولي بايد به مقدار كم مصرف شود ويكشب در ميان در روز هم حتما ضد افتاب بزنيد .

  8. سوال : باسلام دکتر.من پسری 22 ساله با پوست روشن وحساس هستم که قبلا صورتم جوش میزد و الان کمتر جوش میزند ولی جای جوشهای قبلی باقی مونده و صورتم تا حدی کک و مک هم دارد اگر راه حلی بجز لیزر برای مشکلم معرفی کنید ممنون میشم؟آیا لایه بردارها میتوانند مناسب باشند و نوع لایه بردار را باید پزشک تشخیص دهد یا فرقی ندارد چه نوعی استفاده کنم با تشکر

    دکتر : AHA هايسك

  9. سوال : باسلام وخسته نباشيد.وممنون ازاينكه باحوصله به سوالات ماپاسخ ميديد. مدتي هست درزيرچانه من جوشهايي درمياد كه البته ضاهرش قرمزه . متورم ميشه .شبيهه جوشهاي زيرپوستيه. ولي وقتي فشارميدو توش هيچي نيست. به پزشك متخصص مراجعه كردم ايشون گفتند چيزي نيست ومحلول اريترومايسين 2%تجويزكردند . 3هفته استفاده كردم ولي تغييرنكرده. البته من زيرچونم وگردنم يه مقدارموي زائددارم كه هميشه بندميندازم. ممكنه دليلش اون باشه ؟ سونوگرافي هم رفتم مشكلي ندارم ممنون ميشم راهنماييم كنيد. باتشكر.

    دکتر : بايد موها .ليزر شوند تادرمان جوش شما كامل شود .كرم ضد جوش هيدرودرم ژل شستشو انرا مصرف كنيد .

  10. سوال : با سلام و خسته نباشيد من 30 سال دارم شغلم آرايشگر هست پوست من داراي كك مك و روزنه‌هاي تقريبا باز هست و چروك‌هاي ريز اطراف چشم به نظر شما آيا مي‌توانم از AHA10% هيدرودرم استفاده كنم در ضمن پوستم چرب است. با تشكر داراب فارس

    دکتر : بله ولي AHA دور چشم نبايد مصرف شود .

  11. سوال : سلام خسته نباشید. ابرو و مزه های کم رنگ و نازکی دارم. موهای ابرو و مزه ها مشکی هستند اما خیلی کمرنگ هستن. برای ضخیمتر شدن و پررنگ تر شدن ابرو و مزه{مشکی تر شدن} راهی هست؟ .به خصوص برای مشکی تر شدن مزه ها. لطفا اگه راهی هست کامل راهنمایی کنید .با تشکر

    دکتر : محلول مژه نلا

  12. سوال : سلام 20 سالمه من مدتی پیش به ستور پزشک داروی ماینکسیدیل 2% استفاده کردم و تا 3 ماه ادامه دادم و کمی ریزس کمتر شد و مو های ریزی در امد ولی بعد دارو رو قطع کردم و دوباره ریزش زیاد شد الان 1 ماه است که از 5% استفاده می کنم ولی ریزش مو ها ادامه داره و کمی هم موهای ریز رشد کرده است می خواستم بدونم که استفاده از 5 % موردی ندارد؟ در ضمن برای شستشوی موها از چه صابون یا شامپویی استفاده کنم در ضمن پوستی چرب دارم.خیلی ممنون

    دکتر : شامپو ضد ريزش سريتا

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